Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Time Out

    I know I've done this in the past, but this time is a little different.

    Instead of storming off in a bit of a snit, I'm going to be "off the air" for a few weeks because things are ramping up around here.  I just won't have the time to bring you whatever it is I do here quality posts.  
    The big difference between now and the last time I went away for a little bit is that I will be returning.  I just need a little time to let the dust settle as Penwasser Place relocates.

"Did I read that right?
Quality posts?"

    Upon my return, I'll explain what's what.  For now, though, I'm in hunt of cardboard boxes.  I hope my homeless pals at the back of the liquor store can hook me up.

"Take whatever you need.  I'll be here."

    For those of you unfortunates who follow me on Facebook and/or Twitter (you gluttons for punishment), you probably won't see much of a difference for a couple weeks.

  So you have that going for you.

"Which is nice."

See you in a few weeks!

"Great!  He's gone!"


Thursday, August 24, 2017

A Rose By Any Other Name

    Is probably dumber than shit.

    A South Carolina woman went into labor twelve days early on Tuesday morning, bringing into this decidedly effed-up world a six pound, three ounce baby girl.  So enthralled was she (and possibly delirious from any possible drugs to deaden the pain.  Or her higher cerebral functions) that this blessed event took place on the day of a dramatic astronomical event, she named her new daughter, "Eclipse."
Coulda been worse.
Coulda been 'Shrek.

    Yes, Eclipse.  To be fair, this moniker is not the silliest we've seen.  After all, Gwyneth Paltrow named her daughter "Apple" and Former Black Man and Living Person, Michael Jackson, named his son, "Prince" (who was nicknamed "Blanket" and later changed his name to "Bigi").  Plus, who can forget "Moon Unit" Zappa?

    So, "Eclipse" is probably the more normal of the goofy.  But,
Or "Totaled Eclipse."
being named for a gum or a car from Mitsibushi is probably ill-advised.  If nothing, the kid is probably going to suffer significant ribbing in middle school, undergo counseling, and eventually change her name, as well (let's just hope it isn't to 'Bigi.'  Or 'Bigly.').

"And I won't rest until all of
our daughters are named...FREEDOM!"
    Then again, Mom's name is "Freedom,' so...uh...I guess her parents had a penchant for silly names, as well.  Or a bizarre fixation with Braveheart.

    Lost in all the commotion, Eclipse's older brother, Caesarian, shrugged off all the fuss.  "Meh," he said.  "It could be worse."
The baby was going to originally be called Violet.
Until the Estate of Charles Schultz intervened,
claiming name infringement.


    This entire episode reminded me of an old joke...

    An Indian son asked his father why he was named what he was named.
Wrong Indian.
Get back to the Microsoft Help Desk.

    Stroking his non-existent beard, the older man replied, "It is the custom of our people to name children after significant events happening at their birth."

    "Is that why my sister is called Summer Storm?"

    The man nodded, "And why your brother is named Running Wolf."

    "And the baby that Mother just had is Grey Thundercloud!"

"It is so.
Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"


Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Captain Caption CXLVI

"I dunno about you, but I sure am grateful
for all this goofy statue talk.
It sure has stopped a lot of people from riding my as...hey!
You gonna eat that?"

Sunday, August 20, 2017

In the News

Protests intensify calling for the removal of the Rocky statue after allegations that the Italian Stallion colluded with 
the Russian Ivan Drago to murder Apollo Creed.

Thursday, August 17, 2017


Charlottesville, Virginia
Friday, August 11th

"Hey, everyone!  Did you hear?  I sold one HUNDRED Tiki torches!"
"Way to go, Stewart!  YOU ROCK!!"


Charlottesville, Virginia
Saturday evening, August 12th

"Hey, did you hear?  They let Stewart go."
"Yeah, that dude was a real A-Hole."

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Captain Caption CXLV

"We were told there'd be a barbecue.
What the f...did EVERYone bring a frikkin' tiki torch?
Didn't ANYone bring burgers and dogs?
Stupid GD Nazis."

Friday, August 11, 2017

The Circle of Life

"Hey, any of you guys seen Doug?"
"Last I checked, he was hauling this huge piece of hot dog bun off Penwasser's back deck."
"Huge?  Why didn't any of you mutts give him a hand?"
"We didn't have to.  We can lift many times our own weight.
We're ants, Lou.  Duh."
"So what happened to hi...yeah, Stewart?"
"Well, all of a sudden, we saw this foot-shaped shadow.  We got the hell outta there, but Doug thought it was an eclipse."
"What?  Who'd be stupid enough to think that?"
"Well, we're not terribly bright, you know.
Once again...ants."

Monday, August 7, 2017


In related news, Governor Christie plans to go hang-gliding that day.

"For the love of God, HE JUST DOESN'T STOP!!"

"I know, right?"
"Tell me about it."

Hey, is that a cheeseburger?"

"Eclipse, huh?  I love to see me any kinda moon!"



Thursday, August 3, 2017

Captain Caption CXLIV

"Whoa...are you frikkin' kiddin' me, playa?
Wisconsin sells cheese curds?
Which can go on doughnuts!?
Get the shit?"