Saturday, July 22, 2017

New Jersey-Its Own Worst Enemy

    Governor Chris Christie, he of the penchant for doughnuts and a "Screw You" attitude, signed a bill this week which raises the minimum age to buy tobacco products to twenty-one.

    Now, I have never smoked and will never smoke (I may take up
I should smoke, though.
 I could be quite a hit with the ladies.
crack when I turn 80.  If I make it that long.).  My apologies to those who enjoy "lighting up a fag", but I think smoking is a disgusting habit.  My own mother (as opposed to someone else's) passed away thirty-four years ago of lung cancer.  She had smoked like a tire fire ever since she was a teenager. Connect the dots.

    My point is that I am not a crusader for smoking.

    But, come on, this is the dumbest thing to come down the pike since the mayor of Philadelphia decided to put a tax on sodas and other sugary drinks.  New Jersey is the third such state to implement this ridiculous law, the others being Hawaii and California (to which I hear, "Well, that figures.").

"Whaddya mean, you wanna see ID?"
  To deny young people who can vote and fight in our nation's wars (which are far too frequent) the idiotic choice to smoke is...well...idiotic.  I hasten to say, "back in my day," but "back in my day," when you were 18, you were considered an adult in every sense of the word (drinking age was 18 then.  In essence, my generation effed it up for generations to follow.  My bad).  


    Not only can they not have an alcoholic beverage (which I also find ludicrous), they won't be able to smoke in New Jersey.  Or at least buy the stuff.  "The Garden State" just can't seem to help itself as being the laughingstock of the country.  At least in Hawaii and California you have pineapples and Disneyland.  What does New Jersey have?  Camden and the turnpike.  

    So, when a young person turns 18, we say to them, "Congratulations!  Now you're an adult.  Sorta.  Not really."

   They also can't rent cars or go to casinos, either.   But, they can be drafted (yes, they can) and  What's the fun in those two things?

    People younger than 21 will continue to smoke.  I didn't read the
"Don't sweat it, boys.
Tubby's gonna make us a lot of dough.
Okay, here's what I want youse ta do.
Take this truck and park outside community colleges,
Fort Dix, and skateboard parks.
We're gonna be frikkin' millionaires."
entire law to see if it would be illegal to light up in their own homes or whether the restriction is just buying the nasty stuff.  But, regardless, cigarettes and smokeless tobacco will go on being used by the chronologically gray period of quasi-adulthood, 18-21.


    Similar to Prohibition, I predict a  black market of sorts for these things as recent high school graduates start "jonesin'" for a nicotine fix.
"That's 'Market of Color'."

New Jersey-Proving There's Always Room For Another Punchline.     
"Curious.  Do cookies come with that punch?"

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Captain Caption CXLII

"I was told I'd be the middle of a bush sandwich.
I expected twins.
Gotta admit, not a little disappointed."

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Captain Caption CXLI

"Okay, Mrs. Smith, we're almost done.
One more look at your...what the...?
Is that Bill Clinton!?"

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Be Careful What You Wish For

"Ever since Penwasser returned from his sabbatical, he hasn't
featured either Barry or me in a Captain Caption.

"Good grief!!
Can you be a bigger idiot!?"

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Captain Caption CXL

"Hey, is that the Good Humor man?
Cuz....I could really go for a fudgsicle."

Sunday, July 2, 2017


    Okay, I've used this before.  In fact, many "befores."  Sue me. 

     But, it always tickles me and, since it's Independence Day Weekend, I thought I'd use it yet again.

    NOTE:  Yes, yes, I know Independence Day* isn't until Tuesday and some people may actually have to go to work tomorrow, meaning that they didn't get to enjoy a long weekend.  I call these people "poor bastards."  

    But, I took a vacation day tomorrow and, combined with the fact that I have Fridays off in the summer, I have five straight days to...cut the grass, seed the lawn, vacuum the pool, clear some brush, wash the car, paint lawn furniture, and go to a baseball game. Which was rained out.

"Alright, lemme see if I got this right.  Washington gets ham and cheese with
lettuce and tomato on a kaiser, Jefferson ordered a turkey club with nothing but
dark meat...I heard that about you, Tom..., Adams wants liverwurst and onion
with spicy mustard...heads one sits next to Adams, and Franklin...?
Says here you want fish and chips.  Fish and Chips!?
What the do know why we're here, don't you, Ben?" 

    *I call it "Independence Day," rather than the 4th of July, because
And every month has 28 days!
You're welcome.

NOTE:  Comedy you don't have to pay for, folks.
EVERY other country has the 4th of July.  Oh, and I think it goes without saying that I'm talking about American Independence Day. A lot of other nations also celebrate independence, too, or have their own special day if they didn't actually gain their independence from anyone.   Way to go, England!

    Although....Independence Day commemorates when we dropped England like 3rd Grade Math.  Life can sometimes be ironic, no?

    For instance, I think yesterday was something called "Canada Day," where our friends to the North celebrate hockey, lumberjacks, Celine Dion, and the fact they don't have anyone called Trump running the show.  Not really sure of much more than that.  But, I can guarantee you it all went politely, eh?

"Excuse me, excuse me, how many Canadian hockey teams have won the Vince Lombardi Trophy?  It is a wonderful trophy, I might add...a beautiful testament to Italian-Americans everywhere, some of whom are my best friends, if I can be honest.  Oh, back to my question...NO Canadian teams have won that magnificent piece of hardware and not just just because that goes to football teams.  Hockey tries to win a cup from some poor sap who probably works for the New York Times called 'Stanley.'   Can you imagine...Stanley?  That's right.  I'm talking football, though, folks.  Football, which is what losers call a game which the important people call soccer.  Losers in Europe, proving they're not man...or woman, don't forget the women, I love women, all women... to strap on a helmet and slug it out to make sports great again.   Seriously, though, what is hockey?  Just some thing with guys called GUY ...which is pronounced GEE, HARD G, not SOFT G...hee...hee...hee...thank God, amirite?...can you imagine? around with knives on their feet and wearing sweaters trying to whack a little piece of plastic, a very little piece, if I can be frank?  It's only something to watch between football season and baseball season, anyway.  So, I say, let Canada have hockey.  While they're at it, they could take Whoopi and Rosie off our hands, too.


"Huh, willya lookit this?
President Trump is in trouble for making a joke about erectile dysfunction."