Quite like women getting into a Black Friday stun gun fight at a Philadelphia mall.
Ahhh.....it's the most wonderful time of the year!
Merry Christmas everyone from the City of Brotherly Love to you!
|Go ahead. |
Party like it's 25 Kislev.
|Thanksgiving was proclaimed a federal holiday|
in 1863 by Abraham Lincoln.
Not surprisingly, the Confederacy said,
"Ya'll can take your Yankee Holiday and shove it."
Which was a shame. Because they
were supposed to bring the sweet potato souffle.
|On December 26, 1941, signed a resolution|
from the last Thursday in November to the fourth.
"Hey, get off my ass, it's all I had time to do.
There's a frikkin' war going on, you know."
|"Hey, does anyone else|
have to pee after that long ass boat ride?"
|"I know. Whaddya say we have a harvest feast right here?"|
"Outside!? You do know this is Massachusetts, don't you?"
"Hey, we can stay warm by burning a witch or two."
|"Behold, for I bring you the gift of maize.|
As long as you don't mind the smell of dead fish."
|"Seriously, Sleeps With Chickens? Eels??|
Couldn't bring a French Bean casserole
like a normal person, could ya?"
|Okay, you've got him|
But, we've got...
|So, let's call us even.|
President of Russia, Former Head of the KGB, noted exhibitionist.
|"Ha, ha, funny mens for to be calling me Vladdy Pukin'. Is big screams pantsing me in gyms class, puttings with the hand in glass of warm water, pushing me into girls room, and making with the-how you say?-titty twisters. We see who be laughings last when for to go disappears into labors camp, smart ass."|
|"Coulda been worse. |
Coulda stripped me of my trousers, eh?"
|"Ja. I vil crush you. |
Oh, wait. I'm a Swede playing a Russian.
Crap. Never mind.
You still don't want to
piss off the Germans, though."
|I just found out that the Beebs is Canadian, too. |
So, we still lead you guys, like a million to two.
|"Besides, I'm French-Canadian and have enough problems. |
N'est ce pas?"
|"Don't tell Richard Simmons about the crack I have."|
|But, yeah, he's assumed room temperature, too|
|Never got over the Death of Disco.|
Or all that coke.
|"I lose 100 pounds and the chicks will be all over me! |
Probably should ditch the glasses, though."
|"Listen, for a dozen glazed, I could help you out. |
They don't need me in Trenton. The Mob can take care of things."
|"OMIGOD! OMIGOD! OMIGOD!|
Did someone say 'crack!?'"
|"'If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor. Period.' That's some great stuff there, Barack. Beats the hell out of 'I didn't have sex with that woman, Miss Lewinksy.' Shoot, you make me and Jimmy look like Washington and Lincoln. I'll say this. It sure took everyone's mind off some stupid stained dress. Or that I nailed a fat chick."|
|"Okay, it's settled, then. |
We'll meet back here in a little over twenty years.
Only this time, you take Italy."
|She never thinks my BJ jokes are funny.|
|"I henceforth decree that Christmas lights can only be displayed from Thanksgiving |
until you stop saying 'Happy New Year!'
Menorahs are cool, although somebody needs to tell me when Hanukkah is.
It's like Easter with you people, you never know when it will be.
Kwanzaa!? Are you effin' kidding me!?
Now let's eat!"
|NOTE: May also be Dick Cheney's house.|
|Hillary Clinton's BOTOX operation goes horribly awry when doctors mistakenly attach an air pump to her neck. On the other hand, male bullfrogs throughout the world now think the former Secretary of State, New York Senator, first lady, and woman with comfortable shoes looks "damn sexy."|