Thursday, October 20, 2016

Captain Caption CXXV

Hey, kids!
Get this year's scariest Halloween costume,
the Ruth Bader Ginsberg!
Act now while supplies last!

"I'd hit it...I mean buy it!"

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Captain Caption CXXIV

"You know what really hacks me off?
The news is putting a super crimp in the genuine creepy clown business."

Monday, October 10, 2016

Well, I'm Back

There's a lot of places to eat and drink in Texas.

I did both.

Which is one of the reasons little daggers are piercing my brain.

I'll be back soon.

On the bright side, we had a chance to set a spell with Bones' southern kinfolk.

Goodbye Columbus

Huzzah!  Presenting the first in a series of holiday reposts!
Since I still have a bit of a hangover from my weekend in Austin, the daggers in my skull are preventing me from writing anything new (except these couple sentences, of course).  At any rate, even though you may have read this before, I hope you enjoy.  Or, if you want something new, head over to Pat Hatt's place. He never repeats himself.  He's got talent that way.
See you when the headache and voices in my head go away.

NOTE:  With today's post, I begin a series of repeats which will culminate with the Christmas/New Years extravaganza.  Oh, sure, there'll be original bits along the way, but this time of year gives me a chance to trot out some retreads.  If you've read these already, hey, sorry about that.  If you haven' no attention to the fact that I just said these were repeats.

Christopher Columbus
Explorer, Exploiter, Rogue
Or man who looks like he just shat himself

   I love October.  The air is redolent with the sweet aroma of burning leaves, high school gridirons thunder with the sound of fiercely-waged contests to push that pigskin across the goal line, Christmas lights-incredibly-start going up, and early-morning frosts whisper of the coming winter.

    October also gives us a chance to celebrate the exploits of an intrepid band of explorers who set sail from Barcelona in search of a western route to the fabulous wealth of the East (yeah, I know, going west to get east doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me, either.).

    As an added bonus, the tenth month also gives us a chance to bemoan the rape and pillage of a pristine wilderness by evil, white, European males.

    So, in honor of their accomplishments, mailmen get the day off and shopping malls trot out their very best Columbus Day displays of new bed linen (“Buy now!  Just think how comfy the ‘Santa Maria’ would have been if they had only had these sheets!!”).

    As a holiday, though, Columbus Day really doesn’t rank up there with the Big Four of Hanukkah, Christmas, New Years, and Canadian Thanksgiving.  It doesn’t draw in the romantics like Valentines Day, the patriots like the 4th of July, or even the corned beef and Guinness crowd like St. Patrick’s Day.

    More times than not, we hardly even know it’s happened until the evening news greets us with, “Happy Columbus Day!  Too bad you hadda go to work!  Ha, ha, ha!”

    My family has for many years celebrated each holiday, no matter how innocuous.  For example, on Presidents’ Day, we used to dress up as our favorite Commanders in Chief until my brother spoiled it for everyone a few years ago when, dressed as Bill Clinton, he got arrested for having his pants down in front of a convent.
"For the glory of Spain and
in the name of Our L...hey!
I said 'SIT THE EFF DOWN!!'"
For some reason, though, we never did much to commemorate the day in 1492 when Ferdinand and Isabella’s favorite Genoan set foot in the New World and proclaimed, “I claim this land for the King and Queen of Spain.  And Wal-Mart.”   

    In order to make it easier for everyone to properly observe one of the most significant accomplishments in world history (right behind invention of “The Clapper”), might I offer the following ways to celebrate Columbus Day:

That may be.
But, Northern Indians were
apparently more bad-ass than Southern ones.
10.  Slash the tires of the obnoxious, know-it-all “Vikings were here first!” punks at the Leif Eiriksson Community Center.

9.   Try to convince anyone that parrots, corn, and coconuts are just as valuable as jewels, gold, and silk.

8.   Go to the local tribal casino, extend a heartfelt apology, drop a bundle at the craps table.

7.   Put on a wrinkled raincoat, chew on a cigar, try to figure out who put the poison in Miss Van Dyver’s highball...oh, I’m sorry, that’s how to celebrate COLUMBO Day.

6.   Gather together all the history books at the library, cross out all references to ‘America’ and replace them with ‘Chrisville.’  Draw moustaches on any pictures of Amerigo Vespucci.

"No! No!  Mike Huckabee
won't be born for another 450 years or so.
Here.  Have a blanket."
5.   Bring Christianity to your neighbors, claim your street for your family, pass out blankets riddled with smallpox to the homeless, and shake down passers-by, insisting they tell you where their gold is.

4.   Go to the local All-You-Can-Eat Chinese restaurant dressed as Columbus, walk in, and shout, “So, HERE’s where you people were all hiding!”
"White people!
Party of millions!"
3.   Forward a petition to the city council demanding equal time with Labor Day.

2.   With your friends, build a scaled-down replica of Columbus’s
Get all the fat guys away
from the left side of the ship!"
fleet, drift aimlessly on the town pond, claim YWCA summer camp for Spain.

1.   Once more dressed as Columbus, visit a deforested national park (or strip mine), issue “Ooops, my bad!” statement to the press.

    There now, I hope this list inspires you to do something other than complain when you can’t use the drive-up window at the bank. 

    It’s a shame Columbus Day has been deemphasized so much over the course of the past few years in the misguided spirit of politically-correct revisionism. 

    Or revulsion at guys who wore tights.  I’m not sure.

    I’m sad to say that it’s now little more than an excuse to blow up some balloons, get a guy up on stilts, and shill away last year’s automobiles (“Buy an SUV.  It’s what Chris would’ve wanted!”).

    As for me, I plan on doing the day up right.

    I’m gonna go get me a cannoli.    


Finally, I would be remiss if I didn't wish my friends up north (no, not Massachusetts) a very Happy Thanksgiving!

My original intent was to write something...uh...original in honor of Canadian Thanksgiving, but I'm up against a deadline to finish my book, so I gave you the warmed-over Columbus Day offering instead.

Anyhow, enjoy your day.  

And be thankful that Justin Bieber lives here.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Captain Caption CXXIII

Okay, not your regular caption.
But, the Penwassers are heading to Austin for a wedding.
"See" you when we get back.

Or, as Davy Crockett said, "You may all go to Hell, 
and I will go to Texas."

Of course, we all know what happened to him.  So, I'd better come back. Probably be best not to tick off any Mexicans when I'm down there, either.

You guys can forget about that whole "go to Hell" thing, too,

Monday, October 3, 2016

Happy Rosh Hashanah!

    Yes, yes, I know.  Rosh Hashanah began at sundown last night.  But, I was out partying as me and my homies bid farewell to the year 5776.  A little slack is in order, I would think.

"Let's party like it's 5777!"
NOTE:  Prince.  Not Jewish.
Not alive, either.

"Too soon!  You insensitive bastard!!!!"

"Tell me about it."
-G. Coleman

    Okay, you got me.  I'm not Jewish so there was no carousing to be had.  I just wanted to give you an extra day to enjoy Saturday's post, that's all.

    No worries, though, because it's still the Jewish New Year.  And Monday.  Boy, for being the Chosen People, you guys really get screwed, huh?
"Actually, we like Danny Williams instead."
"Uh huh, book me Dan-O."
    Anyhow, if you don't know (and, seriously, how could you not?), Rosh Hashanah, which literally means "head of the year," is the Jewish New Year.  Its biblical name is "Yom Teruah."  PFFFT, yeah like how could you know the difference?  I mean, it's like when I used to see the credits roll for Hawaii Five-O (the Jack Lord Hawaii Five-O, not the new Hawaii Five-O with that hot Kono chick):  "Kim Fong starring as Chin Ho."  I mean, why bother?

    Anyway, before I so rudely interrupted myself, Rosh Hashanah begins on the 1st day of Tishrei, which is the seventh month of the Jewish calendar.  The seventh not the first?  What's all this new year jazz about then?

    The 1st day of Tishrei is the traditional date given to the creation of Adam and Eve, the world's first nudists.  So, you may want to run out and get a card.  Those Jewish women have lonnnnggggg memories.
"Really, Adam, really?
Our anniversary and the best you can do are these stupid fig leaves?
I'll tell you what.  I'm gonna go talk to that snake.  That's what I'm going to do.  Putz."

    Oh, I forgot to mention that "Yom Teruah" literally means "day of shouting/blasting."  I suppose I could have changed the whole post to include this above, but it's Saturday as I'm writing and I don't have a lot of time.  I need to go watch some porn television.  This racket is most exemplified by the daily blowing of the shofar, every day of the month prior.

Herschel Shofar.
Hoping for good things.
"Hey, I'll change my name, do whatever I need to do.
Keep kosher, blow off Christmas,
listen to Neil Diamond, get circumcis...whoa, let's not get carried away."

    Sorry guys, it's the horn from a slow, probably dimwitted, ram.
"Man, I knew I shouldn't have
 trusted those dudes at Beth Sammy Davis, Jr."
"Mine's bigger than yours."
"Hey, do they always bend like that?"
    In addition to shofar blowing, Rosh Hashanah celebrants enjoy many sweet delicacies, most notably apples dipped in honey.  

    Hey, hang on a minute.  Apples?  Isn't it tradition that Eve ate an apple from the Tree of Knowledge (not to be confused with the Book of Knowledge*).

    An apple that was given to her by a snake?
Wrong snake
    Or is that just a conspiracy invented by the Catholic Church?

"You got us.  Knuckles, if you please, boyo."

    Well, addition, the day features many readings from the Jewish scriptures, also known as the Torah.  Or they'll just use any Woody Allen screenplay.
"Hey, well whaddya know?  Those Muslim guys were right.
There aren't any pictures in Fifty Shades of Grey."

    After the day finally ends and Jews throughout the world have let it all hang out, they can enjoy the upcoming year.  And get ready for Yom Kippur the following week.

    Also known as the Day of Atonement, I guess Yom Kippur is when everybody can come clean from overdosing on all those apples.
"I'd say dip it in chocolate, but it hasn't been invented yet."

    Happy Rosh Hashanah to all my Jewish friends!

You know who you are.

*Obscure reference to a 1960s/1970s set of encyclopedias.  If you're not older than dirt, you may not get the reference.  If you do get the reference, you need to get to bed, Gramps.

"A lot of people don't know that Rosh Hashanah also means 'Feast of Trump,' can I be honest?  Frankly, I can't think of a better description for the Jewish New Year.  I love the Jews, all the Jews, especially their food, although I could really do without the gefilte fish, to tell you the truth.  When I get going in the kitchen or really a five-star restaurant which I own, by the way, because, honestly, it's terribly difficult for me to cook.  Terribly difficult.  I mean, after all, have you gotten a good look at these hands?  The way I think it's good that I go out to restaurants and get great, great Jewish food.  It gives people jobs because that's what it's really all about.  Crooked Hillary wouldn't even know a good bagel if it hit her in the head.  But, I wouldn't want anything to hit her in the head because she doesn't need a knock in her noggin, to be honest.  Still, all she gets are those disgraceful, disgraceful Thomas' bagels which aren't really bagels.  They're more like bagel-shaped bread, to tell you the truth.  And she gets, what?, a schmear of Fat-Free Philadelphia Cream Cheese.  Nothing but all fat for me, let me tell you.  Like my head.  And Philadelphia?  A lovely, lovely city which is more than just cheese.  Not that I have anything against bread, let me tell you.  Some of my best friends come in loaves.  Or interns.  Oops, that's what some people say about Bill Clinton.  Not me, you understand, but some people.  Why, I was just telling Ivanka that...what?  Rosh Hashanah means 'Feast of TrumpETS?' Oh, leave it to those f**king Jews.  They always...hey, is the microphone off?